Engineering is a field that has been around before the days of Imhotep, the first recorded engineer from ancient Egypt and the builder of the Step Pyramid, it’s a field that has deeply rooted itself in our affairs since man instinctively began making his own bed.
By now you should know that the engineer’s job is no joke, but a serious job. How serious, you say?
For perspective, every worthwhile creation; from the wheel to robotics, from hunting to 5G, and now space travel, were all made possible through the endearing exploits of Engineers.
Engineers can boast of being the one existential profession responsible for moving the human race from the stone age to the modern and technological era.
All we know about science and technology is constantly pushed and improved by engineers. Engineers are responsible for the energy, agriculture, construction, transportation, IT, military armaments, various commodities, and the environmental state of the economy.
The job of an engineer has real-life implications. Their everyday activities involve working with numbers, formulas, CAD, and other issues difficult to understand for regular people.
In short, Engineers do things scientists theorize about and so they deserve to be celebrated.
So, this article is an icebreaker from the tumultuous job of being an engineer. This is a collection of the internet’s best and greatest engineering jokes, a fitting reward for the strong-hearted engine-men and women.
Go ahead and laugh, scream, and cry. And try not to damage your iPhone, or Android devices, in the process.
Engineering Jokes: Part 1
The Best Definition of an Engineer
- Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand and still overcharges you for repairs.
- Somebody who makes precise guesswork based on unreliable data provided by people with questionable knowledge. Never wrong. And Likes tables.
The Age-Old Feud Between Management and Engineers Replayed
A man traveling in a hot-air balloon discovers that he is lost.
He lowers his height and spots a woman down below.
He further lowers the balloon and yells, “Sorry lady, can you tell me where I am?”
“Yes, you ‘re in a bubble of hot air, 50 feet above the ground, between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.” the woman said.
“You have got to be an engineer,” the balloonist said.
“I am,” the woman responds. “How did you know?”
“Well,” the balloonist said, “everything that you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s useless to me, cause I still don’t have any idea where I am”.
“You must be in management,” the woman says emphatically.
“I am,” the balloonist responds, “but how did you know that?”
“Oh,” she says, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made promises, which you’ve got no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you’re in the exact same spot you’ve been since we met, but somehow it’s my fault.
What Type of Engineer is God?
Three men are sitting in a pub, thinking about God and his career.
“God must be a mechanical engineer,” the first says. “Just look at the joints in the human body.” “No,” the second man says. “God must be an electrical engineer — just look at the nervous system”
“The two of you are incorrect,” the third man says. “God has to be a civil engineer.”
“What, then? “Ask two other guys.
“Well, who else would run a pipeline for waste disposal through a perfectly good recreation area?”
A Hunting Trio Calculations
An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are on a hunting trip together.
They see a deer, and they each take a turn shooting at it.
First goes the physicist. He takes out his laboratory book and measures the bullet’s trajectory easily, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet fell short of the deer by 20 m.
The engineer was second. He takes out his pad and book of projectiles of his engineering profession.
He takes aim, and after a couple of minutes, he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.
The statistician leaps in the air and yells, “We got it!”
The only thing they got is an average of zero. And he’s screaming congratulations. That just even ruined their opportunity of taking another chance. Good lesson folks, the average of two wrongs isn’t a right. Stop listening to those stupid statisticians.
Who Tells it Better Between a Pessimist, Optimist, and an Engineer
The glass is half full, for the optimist.
The glass is half empty, for the pessimist.
The glass to the engineer is twice the size it needs to be.
This answer must be from a civil engineer. Unlike the pessimist and the optimist that will agree within themselves as a community on their thoughts, engineers definitely wouldn’t. Just ask a mechanical engineer instead.
Engineering Jokes: Part 2
To Marry An Engineer: Easy or Not Easy
A wife asks her engineer-husband for a favor.
“Darling, can you go to the shop and buy one pint of milk, please? And if they have eggs, get a dozen!”
Off he goes to the store and returns with 12 pints of milk a half-hour later.
His wife looks at him and asks, “Why the hell did you get 12 pints of milk?”
“Oh … they’ve got eggs,” he replied.
Can’t argue with his logic. Maybe next time it’ll best to leave only the heavy lifting and fixing to your engineering hubby. Ciao.
A Miracle for All But…
An engineer, a priest, and a thief were sentenced to death on a guillotine.
First, they bring out the priest, and he says, “Please allow me to lie facing up in the guillotine so that I can face God as I am about to join him.”
The guards allow it to happen and bring his head through the door. The guard pushes the trigger, and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest’s head. The priest is forgiven and set free because of such a strange event.
Then the thief was brought up next.
“Heck, it worked for the priest. Put me face-up also,” he says.
The guards once again make it, and they pull the lever again. The blade comes down but stops just shy of the thief’s neck again. Like the priest, due to the incredibly good turn of fate, the thief was granted pardon and set free. When the engineer is eventually brought in, he makes the same request.
“If you don’t mind, would you set my face up?”
The guards agree with him and position him in the chair. The guard takes hold of the lever but the engineer points up and says just before he can pull:
“Oh, I believe I see where the problem is …”
Only Married Engineers Who Don’t Know Elevators Would Do This
A 12-year-old boy and his father are new to the Western World and were visiting a mall for the first time. The boy was amazed at everything he saw, but particularly at 2 silver doors moving apart and sliding back together.
“Dad. You ‘re an engineer. What’s this?” the boy asked.
The Engineer who’d never seen an elevator before but was too proud to admit it, responded: “Son, this is an elevator. I know this very well because I’m an Engineer.”
While the boy was watching in amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady stepped into a small space between them.
The proud Father started “See son, this will take her to the 2nd floor, then back down to the 1st floor here. I know this very well because I’m an Engineer.”
While the boy was watching in amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady stepped into a small space between them.
The proud Father started “See son, this will take her to the 2nd floor, then back down to the 1st floor here. I know this because I am an engineer”
The doors were locked, and they saw the numbers light up above the doors, from 1 to 2, then 2 to 1.
The doors eventually opened again and a stunning blonde, 24, walked out. The Father said quietly to his family, not taking his eyes off the young woman…
“What Slur! Now go and get your Mother.”
Only Engineers Can Truly Pull This Off
Three mathematicians and three engineers are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each purchased a ticket. The engineers have only one ticket between them. As the driver begins to walk through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the tiny lavatory. The conductor knocks at the lavatory door and says, “Please ticket.”
On which the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The Mathematicians, observing, thinks it’s a good idea, so they plan to try it on the ride back home.
As the mathematicians board the train again, they have one ticket between them. The engineers on the other hand had no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, “Here comes the conductor!” So all three mathematicians jump up and run into a lavatory with their ticket.
One of the engineers walks to the lavatory door and says, “Ticket, please.”
Truly, only engineers can pull this off.
An Engineer’s Dream Salary
Upon completion of a work interview, the Human Resource Manager asked the young engineer fresh from college, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer said, “Depending on the benefits package, in the region of $100,000 per year.”
The HR Director said, “Well, what would you think about a $200,000 annual plan, a 5-week holiday, 14 paid vacations, a full medical and dental program, our company matching your pension scheme up to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years-say, a red Mercedes?”
The engineer sat up straight, saying “Wow!!! Are you joking?”
And the HR Manager said, “Certainly, … but you started it.”
Engineering Jokes: Part 3
Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?
Sales Rep: Four what?
Customer: No, two.
Sales Rep: two what?
Sales Rep: No.
Factor of Safety
Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said “2”.
Now, I’d say “I’m pretty sure it’s 2, but we’d better make it 3 just to be safe”.
A Programmers Drinking Song
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
Address one error, build another one,
101 Small Computer Glitches.
101 Little Code Bugs …..
Switch to BUGS = 0
An Engineer Always Chooses an Engine
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
“Where did you get that rockin’ bike?” the first asked.
The second engineer answered, “Well, yesterday I was going about my own business when a beautiful woman was riding on this bike. She threw the bike down to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘take what you want’”.
The second engineer approvingly nodded “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
Measuring The Volume of a Ball
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume.
They were given whatever they needed to measure, and they have as much time as they need.
The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up.
Engineering Jokes: Part 5
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, “Ah, you ‘re an engineer, you ‘re in the wrong position.”
The engineer soon gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and begins to design and build improvements. He made air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators after a while, and the engineer is quite a popular guy.
God is calling Satan on the phone one day and saying with a sneer, “And how’s it going down there in hell?
Satan answers, “Things are going great here. We have air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and there’s no way we can tell what this engineer will come up with next.”
God responds, “You have an engineer in there? That’s a mistake-he was never meant to get down there. Send him back in there.”
Satan does say, “No way. I like to have an engineer on my staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back here or I am going to sue you!” Satan laughs in an uproar, replying, “Oh, yes. And just where do you get a lawyer?”
10 Laws of Engineering
Law #1: The most vital dimension on any plan drawing stands the most chance of being omitted.
Law #2: Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly complete.
Law #3: Salespeople’s claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Law #4: The rule for engineers: “Change the data to fit the curve.”
Law #5: Identical units that test identically will not behave identically in the field.
Law #6: In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Law #7: If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
Law #8: Service conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
Law #9: Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Law #10: Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Three Engineers Respond to a Car Problem
Three engineers are driving in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a software engineer. The car stops running, and they pull off onto the shoulder of the road to inspect it.
The electrical engineer recommends they strip off the car’s electronics to pinpoint where there might have been a malfunction.
The chemical engineer believes that the fuel emulsified and suggests that the fuel system is the target.
The software engineer proposes to close all windows, get out, get back, and open all windows again to see if that helps.
Common Engineering Terms Defined
- Contractor – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal!
- Bid Opening – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
- Low Bidder – A contractor who is wondering what he/she left out.
- Engineer’s Estimate – The cost of construction in Heaven.
- Project Manager – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
- Critical Path Method – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
- OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape, and baloney – usually applied at random with a shotgun.
- Strike – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
- Delayed Payment – A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
- Completion Date – The point at which liquidated damages begin.
- Liquidated Damages – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
How Do Professionals Calculate 2+2
An accountant will say “What do you want the answer to be?”
A mathematician will say “I believe it is 4, but I will have to prove it.”
A statistician will say “The population is too small to give an accurate answer, but based on the data supplied the answer lies between 3 and 5.”
An economist will say “Based on today’s thinking, the answer is 4 but the answer may be different tomorrow”.
An engineer will say “The answer is 4, but adding a safety factor we will call it 5”.
Engineering Jokes: Part 6
The Six Main Phrases for any Project
Search for the Guilty
Punishment of the Innocent
Promotion of the Uninvolved
On Mechanical and Civil Engineers
Q: What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build missiles. Civil engineers build targets.
- Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
- Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
- Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for “efficiency”… Not because they’re lazy.
- Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
- Real Engineers think a “biting wit” is their fox terrier.
- Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics – but not their own shirt size.
- Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
- Real Engineers say “It’s 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin” and all you say is “Isn’t it a nice day”
- Real Engineers give you the feeling you’re having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
- Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today. I drove my own car”.
- Real Engineers’ politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
- Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B.
- Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
- Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a birdbath.
- Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics”, and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
- Real Engineers don’t find the above at all funny.
According to the 2010 Statistical Abstract of the US Census Bureau, there are 2,495,000 engineers in the United States as of 2008. With 21.44% of this number being Computer Software Engineers. And even a lower number in 2016, of 1,635,430, according to the Congressional Research Service.
This research shows a slight decline in the Engineering profession and even though it may be quite difficult to accurately pin-point why this phenomenon is occurring or if it has any lasting implications. One thing is for sure, this shouldn’t continue.
Engineers are the lifeline of our economy and so stay safe and be happy even in this Pandemic times.
Who knows, we might be able to stop the slow decline of engineers with a healthy dose of engineering jokes.